Deadlines

I believe that life for me is harder than it has ever been. I have been through lots of stressful, chaotic, and disastrous times over the last 46 years. But this is just hard.  Why, because I feel like the clock is always ticking. Being in school again there are deadlines everyday. Deadlines use to be get Nadia somewhere at a specific time, meet friends at Upland at 6, be at work at 7:30, have dinner ready by 8, give Copper his meds within 12,hours of each other, and buy beer before heading home. 

Now it is discussion boards, lab assignments and quizzes, chapter tests, group wiki projects, reflection papers, lab journal entries, experiments. And they all have a date and a time attached to them. It's hard to get use to. I don't think online classes are in the future for me next time. I'm finding that I'm not managing my anxiety very well. Deadlines stress me out. Prioritizing what to do first and on what time table is more than I want to manage right now. Can someone write out a weekly plan for me? I'll buy you a beer!

Equality

Tonight's convo with Nadia, my 15 year old, daughter.

Mom:  Can you the dark clothes in the bathroom basket and add them to the dark clothes in the laundry room and get a load going?

Nadia:  Well I have a dark load to put in.

Mom:  Just add your stuff to it.

Nadia:  I have a whole load.

Mom:  Ok just put it in so we can keep the laundry moving.

10 minutes later...

Mom:  Can you gather the 4 little trashes upstairs and I'll take out the kitchen one?  It's trash night.

Nadia:  How about some equality?  Why don't you take out the 4 small ones and I'll take out the kitchen one.

Mom:  Hell Yeah!  I vote for equality!  You do dishes 3 nights a week, I do 3 nights a week, you do laundry 3 days, I'll do laundry 3 days, you cook 3 times a week, I'll cook 3 times a week, you clean the house and vacuum for a week, then I'll do it for a week.  I would actually love some equality around here.

Nadia:  No mom, I was just saying I learned about equality, I don't actually want to practice here in the house!

This night is never going to end.  Hmmmmm

Little boat

People say the two best days of owning a boat are the day you buy it and the day you sell it. I disagree. Everyday I spend on the lake in my little boat is a great day. Even the times I have been stranded or spent an hour or two towing someone else in have been worth it. There are unspoken rules out on the lake that don't exist on land. People always wave when passing another boat. And you never pass anyone by that appears to be stranded. That will be you one day and lake karma is a bitch. 

Boats are also expensive to keep and maintain. For the first time in ten or more years, I am thinking about selling it. It's paid for. But I find myself questioning whether or not the work and the money are equal to the amount of time I am actually able to spend out there. I spent less time on the lake  this summer than I have in many years past 

On the other hand, there is nothing that heals me like being on the water. It slows my breathing, offers an escape from the computer, phone, and tv, provides a beautiful landscape and sunset every time, and is a great thing to share.

This is a hard decision. It's in the shop now. I pulled it off the lake this morning. I'll wait and see what Chuck says. 

rude awakening

Coming out of the roughest week in my life.  Work brought a new experience for me.  I came head to head with the 2 chiefs at work.  I'm a team player, I usually don't create waves.  I want to take care of the kids at Fairview, but I was asked to start a protocol that was way outside the scope of my professional responsibilities.  Luckily, I had the director of Health Services for MCCSC come advocate for me and that she did.  We won!

I started back to school this week for the first time in 23 years.  I have had little free time, little time to sleep, I have had to say no to drinks, pool swims, get-togethers, and cooking, cleaning and laundry.  There is so much to learn with taking online classes.  The communications class is fun and I am enjoying what I am learning, but the Anatomy and Physiolgy class is OVERWHELMING.  I finally took my first chapter test and first lab test after studying all week.

I had papers, power points, notes, lab supplies, printouts, just crazy.  And I didn't do that great on either one.  B material.  But I think I know what to expect  next time.

The house fairy had been at my house when I got home today after a long 52 hour work week.  Natalya had come and cleaned my house, did the laundry, cleaned the bathroom, bought groceries, bought me a new coffee maker, and left me a Kroger gift card to buy some good wine.  Better than all of that, she left me the nicest card that said she wanted to help me the way I've always helped her.  It was so nice.  But shortly afterwards I had a meltdown because the test I was taking disappeared off the screen I was working on.

The rest of this weekend, I'm going to relax. enjoy the lake, my friends, my daughter, my bed, my tv and some good drinks.  I'll start over next week, being more familiar with the technology and the expectations, and hopefully be better prepared.  I know I can do this, I just want to be able to do it well.

Crying wolf or crying for help

How do you know the difference between crying wolf and crying for help with teenagers. Even better, spoiled teenagers. Manipulation has been her MO, using medical terminology to describe her sickness is her warped gift. She doesn't get her way, she freaks out, she has created these problems and now they are too big and out of control to fix. Back at meadows and this is the 4th time in two years. Will this time be different? It better be. I feel like a volcano!

Uneasy

There is a line from the Ghost Busters movie,

"Cats and dogs, living together, mass hysteria".

That is what is coming to mind right now.  For once, it is not about what is going on at home, its what's going on at work.  It is putting my mind on overdrive and my chest on "tighten it up" mode.  When a work place begins to do that to me, I start asking myself,

"Is this worth it"?

I know my mind has also been plagued with the thought of going back to school.  I start a week from Monday and the thought of what life is like right now, working 40 hours for the school corporation, part time at Menards, trying to be a good partner and a good mom and taking care of my sweet dog and 2 bitchy cats, I start to get dizzy and I ask myself,

"Can I do anymore"?

I will  start working every other weekend and may be able to find time at work to work on school work.  The one thing that I have realized is that it's not a good time to make changes.  I'm already adding something to my plate and a new, less stressful job would not be a good way to gain some more sanity.  As negative and stressful as it is, I know how to do it, and I can leave it at school when I go home.

As much anxiety as I have about starting school I know that I have to try before I decide that I can't do it.  At 46 I know that I need a change of scenery, something different possibly exciting, but just being something new can be exciting.

I'll be looking for motivation and courage this week to tackle the going-back-to-school piece.  I'll also try and be a better mom, partner, pet owner and I'll try and take better care of myself.  I'll say "No" more, and "Yes" to what my mind and body say I need.  It has to be about me for a minute now.  If it's not, then I won't go through with it.  Deep breath now.  AHHHHHH

H2o therapy

The most stressful 8 first days to the start of school ever. Finally, the sun came out today and I knew I had to get the lake. 

The boat is a mess, a friend borrowed it, but I'm on the water, my diaphragm is opening and I'm breathing better. Copper is here with me. He doesn't want anything but to be close to me. He's so easy to please. 

This will have to carry me through the next 2 days until I can get another change of scenery and relax again. I'm lucky to have this old boat. It brings me a lot of peace and serenity. I'm lucky to live near the lake. It's a true gift. 

Korean bulgogi

Ten years ago I was introduced to Korean bulgogi by a good friend who spent a couple of years in Korea. Bulgogi is beef or pork covered in a spicy sauce made up of chili pepper paste, soy sauce, sesame oil and sugar. You eat it on a leaf of red leaf lettuce over rice. It quickly became my families favorite meal! 

I recently introduced this dish to my friends at my children's birthday this year.  They went crazy for it!  They ate every bit of it that I made.  

Tonight I made Bulgogi again. Hayden said it was the best food ever and he liked it better than anythingbelse he has eaten. It has been Nadia's favorite since the first time I made it. 

I am a pretty good cook, but I only like cooking for people who can appreciate good cooking. It takes a lot of time and it never tastes as good as when someone else makes it. But I will always cook for anyone who loves some Korean bulgogi !

Bulgogi is spicy, but Henry loves it. He is pretending here like it is too spicy but all the kids eat it like crazy!  I love Korean bulgogi and anyone else who likes to eat it. 

A Red Letter Day!

Some days just stand out more than others.  Today was one of them.  Nadia and I spent the entire afternoon together shopping, running errands, and driving around together with her at the wheel.  We had a few scary moments in the car, but the shopping went a lot better than expected.

Typically I refuse to shop with her.  I will pay her brother or sister to take her and get her what she needs.  But we have not been getting along and my motherly guilt was taking over.  I was going to make the sacrifice.

We shopped for school supplies, shoes, shoes, shoes, and more school supplies.  There was no whining, no complaining, lots of talking, and laughing.  It was an easy day.

I will remember this day for a while.  It will probably have to carry me through the next 5-10 days when she goes back to her "normal" self.  But for now, I am so happy that we were able to enjoy a day together.  It was really nice.

Mangled fingers

Last week on Sunday I got the fingers on both hands stuck in between the panels of a garage door. Both hands were being squished by the weight of a double garage door that was on its way down. My fingers abruptly stopped the downward descent. After struggling for a minute to get my hands loose, I finally wedged my foot under the garage door and lifted it enough to create some space to release my fingers. I have never felt pain like that in my entire life!  When I finally got my fingers out they were already purple and foreign looking because they were smashed as flat as a pancake! They looked so freaky!! I immediately ran into the house and ran cold water over them. Tears were streaming down my face. Someone grabbed me an ice bag, and another grabbed me ibuprofen. This is what they looked like after 2 hours. 

They were numb all evening. Over the next couple of days the tips, underneath the nails, kept filling with blood. 

Pressure in my ring finger kept growing!  Ouch! I thought my nail would pop. My friend who is a nurse said to get a tiny hole drilled thru the nail to relieve the pressure and some of the blood. My insurance wasn't going to cover that! My friend, Roy, said his dad use to slide a knife in between the nail and the tip of the finger to lance it and let the blood drain out. He ran to his art closet to get me a razor knife. I didn't know if I could actually do it. I sterilized the knife and gently ran it under my nail. WHAM! Blood spurted out! It worked! And it was free health care!!! 

I soaked it on Epsom salt when I got home. It's looking and feeling a lot better!

 

I will probably still lose 3 fingernails. But at least I'm on the mend!

Summer closing up

I scheduled back to back vacations this summer, right before heading back to work full time for the school corporation, working part time for Menards and going back to school part-time to get my RN degree. I spent less time at the lake, more time with my kids and other people who are important in my life.  I took care of Nadia and myself financially on my own.  Added bonus, I was able to see more of my older kids than I ever have.  I also worked more than I ever have; working 2 jobs this summer.  

Lots of feelings of sadness about saying goodbye to summer and going back to work.  However, I will be beginning a new chapter of my life.  I'm going back to school, Nadia will be driving soon, starting her sophomore year at BHSS, Skylar will be starting his sophomore  year in college, and Natalya and Josh are looking for new jobs and educational opportunities, and making it on their own.

Sky and Josh have done a good job of helping me out this summer.  They have helped me move and remove appliances, replace the battery in my car, drop off old appliances to be recycled and offer to spend time with Nadia.  Natalya has stayed with the cats and Nadia while I have been on vacation.  I am so proud of my older children and thankful for their willingness to check on, and help out their mom.

Although summer break is over, there is still a lot of nice weather ahead.  And that is a good thing.  I will need some good weather to prepare for the half marathon I am going to do with Karen and Mabel in October.  I am committed to running and walking several days a week to get ready.

My good friend Julia has moved back to Bloomington.  What a gift!  She is one of the most amazing people I have ever met.  She has seen me through a lot of life's struggles, and celebrated the achievements however small or large.  I will enjoy reconnecting with her this fall.

Karen and I took 2 vacations in Illinois; biking hiking and walking.  We never stopped moving while we were in Illinois.  Do you know how good that feels?  Amazing.  We saw an Indians game and Cubs vs. Cards game.  We swam at the lake and in the pool.  WE rode our bikes A LOT! She is also the one who talked me into signing up of for the half marathon.  It's good for me to have someone who pushes me to keep moving.  I need it.  And she rocks!

Nadia went to Chicago to spend a week with her dad for the first time in a  long time.  She had a great time and didn't call me once with a complaint.  It was nice to hear that they could get along.  Nadia will begin her sophomore year with an IEP and a contract.  We meet with Mr. Doyle on Tuesday to discuss the terms of both.  She is willing to give it a try.

Lots of things to be happy about and thankful for.

I ran today.

Dropped the boys at hockey camp this morning with our bikes and our Ibuprofen already loaded on the van. Said adios to the boys and drove like hell toward downtown. Traffic was backed up!

But I was mostly concerned about someone getting too close to the back of us and smashing into about $1500 worth of bikes!  But, we made it. 

We parked in Lincoln Park for $30.  Yeah, and it's free to get into the zoo.  Hmmm

Then started biking along the Lake Shore Drive Trail. We biked through sand, and waves, and splash!  

After 20 miles we decided to get some beer and lunch. The wind on the last 10 miles was right in our faces!  A much harder work out in those 10 miles. 

We had lunch at a little place on Broadway. It met both of our criteria; we could sit outside with our bikes, and they had cold beer!  

After lunch and beer we rode to Wrigley Field!

After riding through Wrigleyville and back to our car we headed back to get the boys (Bo and Henry) in Bensenville. We were there early so we walked around the trail outside the rink. And on the last few hundred feet of the trail, dun, dun, dun, I RAN!  Ok it was more of a jog, but I've been scared to run for the longest time. And it wasn't hard.  I think I'll do it again tomorrow!

Definitely one of the best days I've had this year!

Copper and camping

It has been several years since we took our dog, Copper, camping but we decided to let him join our adventure this time. We left for Paynetown much later than we expected on Thursday but I could tell he was excited to be in the car with his humans.

He followed us around as we set up. He was always at our feet when there was food involved. He's a very patient beggar. He doesn't put his face in your food but he waits patiently, looking right at you as you put every bite in your mouth. 

Friday morning I had to run home to get more wood. The kids and Copper came with me. After getting things loaded up and talking to the kids about our plans, I decided to leave Copper at home so he didn't have to spend the day on a boat in the hot sun with little convenience. We loaded up in the car to head back to camp and Kyra says, "Aren't we leaving Copper here"?  "Yes", I respond. Kyra then tells me he's in the back seat of the car!  I ask Henry to call Copper into the house while I open the front door. Copper will not budge out of his seat in the back and away from his humans!  Henry picks Copper up and carries him into the house. I shut the door and head back to the car. 

We pull out of the driveway and wait for traffic to clear. And what to our wandering eyes should appear, but Copper! As soon as I shut the door he ran through the house, through the doggy door, down the stairs, through the gate that we had left ajar from carrying the wood and out on the side of the road where we were waiting for traffic to clear! Luckily my neighbor was walking up the street and grabbed him. 

After all that conniving he had done to sneak away from the house to be with us, I couldn't say no! My neighbor, Tammy, brought him out to the car and we took him back to camp. 

He spent the day 

1. Relaxing on the boat with us

2. Swimming with the boys

3. Snuggling up to the girls to keep warm 

4. Sitting on laps while we made s'mores

5. Taking a walk to the boat ramp 

6. Sleeping with Henry

Copper was a great camper and never complained! He was a great companion to all of us. I'm glad he is such a smart dog and knew what was best!

Love this dog!!!

Camping for my birthday!

The summer has practically come and gone and we had not been camping yet. Working 2 jobs and keeping up with the house, the yard and Nadia have left little time to get away. Finally, two nights opened up on July 17-18, right on my birthday! Woo hoo for 46!  We got to the campground around 4pm. Yeah, a little late. 

Tents and chairs set up even though I had to go back home for the tent poles! Dinner cooking now!

Adult birthday party

Dumb and Dumber, beer, friends, what could be better?

Camping at Starved Rock State Park

I have spent the last 4 days camping with my BFF, Karen! Tent, air mattress, cooler, beer, wine, brats and pbnj. That's all we brought besides the chairs and wood that we needed to make a fire. 

The weather has been beautiful the last few days for hiking and biking; and we have done a lot of both!  

Starved Rock only had 3 of about 15 trails open. We found that out about an hour outside of the park. No DNR! We do not have channel 7 or 13 to tell us about the storms! Indiana has different news channels!

Of course that didn't put a damper on our vacay. We visited Mattheissen State Park instead, which we found to be a hidden treasure. Many of the trails went straight to the bottom of the canyons and we hiked along the sand stone cliffs and and waterfalls. 

The Devil's Paint Box and Cascade Falls were two of my favorites!

 

This trip has been very economical...Karen paid for campsite, I paid for gas, and we ate out for one meal a day! No kids asking for anything!  Awesome. We swam and ate, hiked and biked, slept and napped all when WE wanted to. Besides being an amazing get-a-way, I have reached some important realizations:

1. Kids pack food and water for a hike, 40 year old women pack ibuprofen!

2. Going 33 mph on a bike at age 46 is equivalent to going 50 mph as a young adult!  Omg! Amazing adrenaline!

3. It's a lot cheaper to vacay without kids! I'm taking money home!

4. If it's late and we are too tired to make a fire, we don't have to!! We can just get in bed and no one complains. 

There are still good people in the world:

The young man who let us into the pool for free because they only took cash and we only had a credit card. 

The 3 Northwestern students who helped us down from a very tall cliff. 

The lady at the pool who told us where the bike trail was open. 

There are still some shitty people in the world too; namely the 9 year old boy at the pool who kept cutting in line in front of his friends, called them dumb and retarded. I wanted to yell at him and choke him but Karen wouldn't let me. She said it was time to leave. That's why she's my bestie!  She watches out for me!